Rating: 4.5/5
Michelle Zauner is always forgetting the date her mother passed away. Unsure if it has anything to do with not wanting to remember or if by the end of her mother’s life, the date seemed less important in the grand scheme of things. Zauner, best known as the lead singer of indie-rock band Japanese Breakfast, does however, remembers what her mother loved to eat and the different preferences for the foods she consumed. She recalls this because it was how her mother showed her affection. Whether it was hating tomatoes or wanting extra broth in your strews, Zauner’s mother showed her love in what Zauner describes as “the subtle observations of what brought you joy.”
In her memoir, Crying in H-Mart, Zauner was 25 when her mother died from cancer. It was at a pivotal time when the singer was about to fully launch into her music career. She dropped everything to return home to assume the role of caretaker in her mother’s final months. With the insurmountable grief that followed her mother’s passing, Zauner found herself channelling her sadness into cooking the Korean meals that she cherished as a child, finding comfort in the food that fed her memories.
This memoir has been years in the making. The first inkling started in 2016, when Zauner wrote an essay in Glamour for a contest (which she won) that chronicled how she channeled her grief into cooking, turning to the Korean dishes her mother used to make. Later, she would write an essay in the New Yorker that would be the shell of the book’s prologue.
By the time of the book’s release, Zauner had already written two albums that centred around grief, making her no stranger to the subject. But Crying in H Mart feels a thousand times more personal. With music, you can make your own assumptions about what a songwriter is trying to convey, but in a memoir, things feel more personal. Like perhaps you’re having a direct conversation with the person or you’re reading their diary and you’re able to fully understand what they’re going through. And Zauner takes you right through it. She covers every emotional rollercoaster from the first moment she learned about her mother’s diagnosis, to the treatments, right up until the day she passed.
The book also covers the earlier years between Zauner and her mother. She talks about being a rebellious teenager and the complicated relationship they had, with her mother having high expectations for her daughter. When she learns of her mother’s diagnosis and begins to take care of her, there’s a sudden role reversal. And during this time, Michelle begins to realize that despite their rocky relationship, her mother wanted nothing but the best for her daughter.
Outside of the mother/daughter relationship, this book also highlights Zauner’s experience growing up as Korean-American in the U.S. and the struggle to want to fit in with her peers and “blend in” as she says. She also talks about the many summers she spent in Seoul, where she visited her grandmother and extended family, learning more about her background.
If ever was I looking for a book to tear right through my heart, it was this one. While I fortunately haven’t lost my mom, or had to go through the process of being a caretaker, I understand grief and how it can make you feel lonesome and lost. It can be difficult to find ways to go through it too. Time can be incredibly cruel in these instances. The only reason I didn’t give it a full 5/5 was because some moments felt almost too personal, like as if they were meant just for Michelle, but I still loved and respected the vulnerability all the same. Crying in H Mart is a raw, real, honest and beautiful memoir about the struggle of losing a loved one, reconnecting with your roots and finding the strength to carry on.